I’m just a jealous guy

OK. Maybe this song doesn’t exactly describe my feelings, but I do like Queen and this is a pretty awesome song.

A lot of stuff has been rolling around me over the past few months and it’s still a lot to take in. I’m still trying to find my direction in my career as well as still finding what I want to get out of life. Or at least right now, figure out if I am on the right path.

And the tough part is that I’m not sure if I am on that right path.

I see my friends getting better jobs quicker than I did. I see them making much more money and having a better career. I see them having more security in things. I see them growing stronger in relationships — getting married. I see people having kids. I see them accomplishing way more than me at my age.

Now, I am not saying I want all of that at once. In fact, a lot of that is not what I need now. But it piles up. I see my situation and I am jealous. I do wish that I was in a better position. I just feel so much pressure sometimes.

One thing that I always try to do is not try to model myself after the ideal lifestyle that is supposed to be the perfect American way. I can’t have that. I don’t want that. I don’t need it.

I think the idea of having something that isn’t out of the ordinary is the safe feeling that I feel that I need. I guess change is still one of the hardest things for me to accept. Being different and not having what everyone else has — that’s hard stuff.

Even as a kid, I was always a jealous kind of person. I never had an ideal childhood. Parents always held me down, I never ever got a chance to watch Saturday morning cartoons and even summers was filled with constant schoolwork. I was always jealous of my friends because they had something I never had.

And since right now I am still trying to find my direction, it seems that everyone else has found it. They have things going on that I don’t have. It’s the jealousy that kicks in.

I know I can’t control what they do, but only what I can do. And in a sense, I just kind of feel like I’m falling behind. Behind on what? I don’t even know. It’s just all in my head.

There is no ideal, perfect path for me. I know there isn’t. I never had an ideal upbringing and I don’t expect one from here on out. It’s just hard sometimes when I see myself stuck in a rut while everyone drives by me. Maybe in a few months something comes up and things change.  I just gotta stop worrying so much about things that are out of my control.

The ideal life is not for me. It never was. And I’m OK with that.

I need to continue to rely on God on this one also. God has a plan. I don’t know what it is, but I will have to rely on Him to deliver it for me. It may not be ideal, but it will be good.

** And yes, the title of this post is from a John Lennon song. I could have used that for my video too, but I like the Queen song a little better for this post.

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