Since yesterday’s OSL meeting and really digging into some of the lessons from the plan today, I started to wonder about the direction that I am going in. I know that I have a lot on my plate, but I still don’t know if I am THAT occupied that I can’t give more to God. Could I still be making excuses of why I don’t want to do something or reasons why I might not be qualified for something.
One of the things that came across to me was that Jesus gave up so much for me. Yet here I am not even giving 50% of my all for Him. How selfish am I?
So this is where I am right now. I feel that my efforts and my time should be focused on two things and these two things I already am involved with: Prayer team and Life Group.
The prayer team is a great case for me because I didn’t have a strong prayer life. In fact, I wouldn’t even consider it strong today. But I was invited to join the prayer team a while back and I joined because I knew I needed it. It wasn’t because I had a passion for prayer. Instead I wanted to grow a passion for prayer because I felt distant from God. I felt that I was just doing a lot of talking but not listening to God in the moments I did pray. So during this fast, I felt God convicting me to get more involved with the prayer team. I don’t know what exactly that means but I am so willing and eager.
I have been joining the 6am morning prayers every day for the fasting period. Even God answered my prayer and the opportunity to lead on Tuesday was something I wanted to do. It was great. And today, I prayed even more. I actually started pleading with God about the next topic: Life Group.
When I joined the Life Group last year, I was just looking to get plugged in still. I had been around but I wanted a community for me. It was something I felt that I needed to help me grow. And it did for a while. But soon enough, through God’s great plan, my abilities to teach and mentor soon transitioned me into being a leader. I had so much experience leading in the past that naturally me being a leader again was something that I knew would come.
But an issue that has come now is who I am leading. I am struggling real hard to figure out what direction that group should go in. Everyone is different and they are in different stages and that makes it tough. Not everyone has the same level of commitment so I can’t find a medium that satisfies everyone’s needs. In fact, I don’t even know what the needs are of some of the people. This situation has made it tough recently to really try to guide the group into a healthy, growing direction. So what it has come down to was me once again going to God for wisdom and help. I was pleading with Him today in prayer to give me some kind of answer. Do I continue on (which is what I want to do) and just focus on those who want it? Or do I scale back to cater to everyone so it goes smoothly?
I need to go back to God more on it. But the fact that this bothers me is a testimony that I am being transformed. I am getting hung up on things that are worth getting hung up about. This fasting period has given me more time to put my effort and concerns on important things rather than waste them on useless things.
May God give me wisdom and courage to take on this challenge. May He give me all that I need, and more, to lead these group of people. Additionally, that I always come to Him in prayer first. Without His guidance, I have no direction. May God deliver the path.