Being invisibly transparent and raw

This is what I like to be, but what I shouldn’t be.

I remember going to church and fellowships and they would constantly tell me that in order to truly have a relationship with God, that I had to be transparent. I had to be able to not hide my true self.

It never really stuck with me. I understood what it meant and it made sense. I had to be honest. But it wasn’t until recently did it all come together for me. After all, I prefer to be invisible.

The difference between invisibility and transparency is very different. I loved being invisible. I liked going unnoticed sometimes. Even when I went to church, if nobody noticed me as I went in and out, I felt OK.

But I knew I had to be transparent. I knew that people had to not only see me, but see through me. I couldn’t just wander around hiding away.

Here’s the thing with me. I grew up as an only child and one of the things I got so used to was being alone. I didn’t have anybody to talk to as a kid. I was in my room the entire time. I was used to being unnoticed.

I longed to not be alone though. It got to the point where being alone is my number one fear in my life. It scares me. I think now that since I have moved to a new place with nobody around me, I am truly alone.

But this is when God totally woke up me. Because I was alone, I was more open to meeting up with people and just opening myself up. I wanted people to notice me. I wanted to be transparent.

So with that, I have now become an open book. People know more about me and I want to do as much to be noticed. That also comes with how I am now as I look for a new community to be a part of. I don’t want to hide who I am. I am OK with people knowing about me. I don’t want to be unnoticed.

And part of this is me being raw. I want to be real. None of that fake bullshit. I want to be genuine. And also, I want to be that way with God. I need God way more than ever now and I am not hiding anything. I want to be raw, real and totally visible. And that’s how I am going about meeting and greeting new people.

So now, I am more raw than ever before. I am more visible. God’s given me this opportunity to grow and I am taking it. I can’t hide anymore.